My Son Resembles Achilles

...and that's not even the crazy part. This is a record of my experience with a Ms. Brooke Bainbridge. Things started with one email and eventually escalated to defamation and police intervention. A tenuous line is walked here between laugh-out-loud hilarity (we were evidently married on Jupiter) and a kind of scary, sober sadness. I bolded some of the more...interesting bits, and put own comments in italicized brackets. The first email was sent this past June to my joshua@simplydance.us address, and was then forwarded straight to my personal email. Oh, I should probably say this beforehand: I had no idea who this girl was, and certainly never...well, you'll see.

Joshua,

Hello. During the Spring semester of 2008 I believe we sat together at Grove City College. 

I recently found your name and information over the internet.

How to Trick Men into Dancing With You

While written about dancing, this article applies to relationships as a whole. Taken from my simplydance.us blog, written May 5th, 2011.

There aren't enough real men in the world, no news there. Just take the dance clubs — the few guys brave enough to go are either dancing with someone else, obsessively checking basketball scores on their smartphone, or gay. I apologize on behalf of my sex — if guys would quit leading girls on, say what they think and man up, things would be better. But that’s another topic, and we’re not here to whine about other people’s problems. Instead, with a little bit of male psychology, we’re going to get those guys lining up to dance with you.

1. Be Nice

This really can’t be said enough, whether in dance or life. Now I’ll assume you're a decently nice person, so I’ll clarify it further – be consciously and purposefully nice throughout the night. Why? Well…

Male Psychology Fact #1: All men have a deep-seated fear of failure and inadequacy.

You need to realize something about us. When you’re dancing with a guy…he’s scared of you, scared and constantly trying to gauge your opinion of him. We’re worried that we won’t be good enough leaders, that we’ll do something wrong, that you’ll just walk away and leave us in our failure. I’ve been dancing for years, yet still have to shove thoughts like that down (particularly with new girls). The comparison never stops – if other guys are there, we assume they’re better; in private settings, we unconsciously compare ourselves to a vague ideal of the perfect lead, the perfect dancer, and the perfect man. This impulse – that tendency towards assumption of failure – runs deep in our XY chromosome. But hey, there’s no news here – everyone needs help, right?

You can single-handedly remedy this when you’re with the guy. It’s easy – smile. Most girls mistakenly think they already do; you must be aware of your concentrating expression. I can't stress this one enough. So many times I’m genuinely surprised when a girl has thanked me after a dance; from her expression I thought I’d completely ruined her night. Use a mirror; some naturally look pleasant, others look remarkably miserable – and the former will have follow-up dates, the latter will not.

Fact: a genuine smile shines a light across the floor, a light almost irresistible to guys. So not only will smiling help you look incredibly attractive, it will draw men to you. And when guys pick up on the fact that there’s a “fun” girl in the room,  she’ll have them lining up.

In short: the guy just wants to be a good leader and for the two of you to have fun. But it’s up to you to communicate any success there — before, during, and after the dance.  Guys usually start dancing because a friend drags them in; they keep dancing depending on what the girls say. As a woman, you have unique and powerful access to his “self-esteem meter;” a few words can wreck his week or inspire him forever (Male Psychology Fact 1.a: We’re actually incredibly sensitive). So smile, relax, laugh, and take a second after to make eye contact and thank him for the dance. Do this right, and you will have effectively hacked the male psyche.

2. Be Unique

You know something that doesn't make sense to guys? That whole female herding thing. If us dudes all went to the bathroom together, you’d question our sexuality. That grouping mentality doesn’t stop with bathrooms, either – girls tend to stand together in any public setting and this terrifies men. Why?

Male Psychology Fact #2: We think like predators,  and you’re the prey.

I recently read something fascinating about this:

“When a predator sees too many targets, it often chases none. Predators are drawn to attack an animal that’s distinctive in some way…[we] found that putting paint on an animal guaranteed it would always be attacked next. That was the power of difference (source).”

The application: stand in a group, be invisible. Stand out, be noticed. Guys will bypass dozens of girls just to get to the one standing slightly to the side. Of course, don’t go to clubs alone – just don’t herd (as opposed to standing near some friends). And today girls can ask guys to dance as well -  more on that at the end. Right now we’re talking about how to get men to come to you. So on that note:

First: smile, don’t stare down, and avoid grouping – this makes you approachable. Second, stand out and be confident – this makes you noticeable. And standing out doesn't mean wear a neon green dress (though wearing red will make a positive difference, lots of psychological reasons for that). Sure, dressing like you actually care about yourself is great, but nothing will help you stand out better than raw confidence. 

And confidence does not mean knowledge – it’s how you carry yourself, how comfortable you are in your own skin and how you communicate that fact when you dance. Try to never make the mistake of cutting yourself short by nervously telling the guy “I’m sorry, I'm just awful at this.” The guy will discover your skill level soon enough; you don’t need to tell him. If he’s a pro, he knows how to deal, if he's a beginner he won't notice. And no matter what, he wants the two of you to have fun. So don't ever say that again. 

So be unique. Stand out, enjoy yourself, and dance…because that’s when the real game begins.

3. Be Realistic

Unfortunately, even after you’ve done the above to utter perfection…you still might not get asked to dance. And the reason why isn’t rocket science.

Male Psychology Fact #3: We’re easily intimidated, and it’s not personal.

I’ll tell you straight up: a woman is the most intimidating thing in the world. I’ve performed in front of countless audiences and brushed death a few too many times, yet nothing scares me more than asking a pretty girl to dance. Of course, that’s not an excuse – but you do have to be realistic about it. Sure, it’s horrible sitting and watching all the other girls get asked…but that probably says more about the quality (or quantity) of the men in the room, not about who you are and your value as a human being. Remember that.

To all the over-analyzers out there: when you do get asked…it doesn't mean anything, even if it does. Yeah, dance is hugely romantic, and maybe you've got a slight crush on that last guy. Just whatever you do, don’t waste the night staring at him and hoping he’ll walk over again. It’s the confidence thing again – there isn’t much that turns a guy off faster than a needy girl. If he is both: 1. Worth your time, and 2. Actually interested, he will make contact with you again. Otherwise, forget him. Take it for what it was –  a dance, that’s all; relax, don’t expect anything, and you will be pleasantly surprised.

The key here: know who you are; keep your hopes high and expectations low.

And a final, crucial point: ladies, you can to ask guys to dance. In fact, please do. Am I saying  that men should be passive and never pursue women? Of course not. What I'm getting at is this: I would've quit dancing if some encouraging girls hadn't pulled me out of the corner and onto the floor.   There are many nights even today when I still need someone to pull me out of myself - and I'm not unique here! In this context, initiative isn't some segregated affair: dancing is just two people enjoying a fun activity together, not a committed relationship. If you're pining away for some dude on the floor - grow up and ask him for a dance. And that's not a big deal; asking isn't hunting. All asking does is create space for two people to listen and talk, to act and react. 

So be nice because we need the affirmation. Be unique because personal confidence is intensely alluring. Finally, be realistic and take initiative yourself if you so desire – keeping expectations low and hopes high. Just enjoy who you are, where you are, and have a blast dancing a night away.

Why Dancing is the Manliest Thing Ever

Taken from my Simplydance.us blog. Written May 5th, 2011.

The Haka. Look it up.

If you’re a guy, you probably don’t like to dance. Past experience has taught you that, and honestly it wasn't that long ago I thought the same. But I can tell you now with complete conviction: dancing is the manliest thing ever. Recently, I found an article on this at askmen.com. While I can’t endorse mentality the site encourages, the post makes some great points.

“At some point in the recent past in North America, dancing started being considered a non-masculine thing to do. Men in other cultures don’t even question whether they should dance or not. We’ve gotten into the bad habit of not even trying to dance. Women hate that. They grew up loving Flashdance, Dirty Dancing, Save the Last Dance, and Step Up. Love for the man who keeps the beat is inherent in women. So, it’s time to drop the attitude and refuse to be a walking American stereotype. Junior high students sit on opposite sides of the dance floor because they’re scared of the opposite sex. So, here’s why real men dance — and you want to be a real man, don’t you?

…Because It Sucks To Watch From The Sidelines

We hate to sound like a self-help book, but doing anything from the sidelines is a waste of time. Why even go to a dance club to sit and stare at people having fun? All that does is project “stranger danger” to women. Even if you’re lucky enough to not come across as creepy, women are going to think you’re boring — if they even notice you at all. Drop your inhibitions and have the chair surgically removed from your butt.

…Because It’s A Great Icebreaker

“Why is she talking to that jerk?” No doubt that question has run through your head hundreds of times. Everyone hates jerks and women can spot them better than you think. The reason she’s talking to the “Ed Hardy” is that he gave her a reason to talk to him. He broke the ice. And there is no easier icebreaker than dancing with her. You don’t even have to have a great first line.

…Because It Projects Confidence

Confidence right there.

You don’t have to be a great dancer to dance. In fact, the worse you are proves how comfortable you are in your own skin. Doing a dance move like the Running Man over and over again shows women that you don’t care what people think. (We don’t necessarily condone the Running Man — but it’s better than nothing.) Women like a man who isn’t trying to win a popularity contest. Leave that for the junior high students. Watching the Jersey Shore guys do the lame “fist-pump” on the dance floor is laughable, but the women still flock to them.

…Because It’s Fun (Seriously)

Men have been dancing for centuries to celebrate and amuse themselves. Dancing is in your DNA. If you don’t like dancing, it’s because you’re not doing it right. Take a lesson and learn to enjoy it, and enjoy the feeling of being a real man.”

(Source)

My immediate thought after reading this: ok, so then what is a “real man”? Something pretty important was left out here: how can anything be labeled the “manliest thing ever” if we don’t first define manliness? Yeah, dance is great because it projects confidence, is fun, helps you meet women, etc. That’s all stuff men can do, but frankly it’s pathetic if picking up girls is what defines us. So then what does define us; what is a man? One of the best answers I've heard to that was given by a woman:

“A man is someone who has qualities that distinguish him from a boy: responsibility, leadership and integrity.”

Patrick Swayze took the weight of responsibility rather well.

Here's my point: dance - done right - forces boys to fulfill that all three parts of that quote and become men. In initial lessons, I tell people that if anything goes wrong, it’s the man’s fault - half joking. Why? While dancing, the man has responsibility for the girl’s safety. And to keep her safe, gentle yet clear leadership must be used. From another article on this site – sure, you can walk fine on your own two feet – but can you support someone else? Can you support a girl, lead her clearly across a floor filled with other whirling couples and be ready to catch her if she falls…and do it confidently enough so that she can relax and enjoy herself?  And finally, you have to do all that with integrity - with good and honest intentions. A good dance lead isn't pushing the girl's limits and "going for something" on the dance floor. Girls  have noses like bloodhounds for stuff like that - they'll smell it a mile off and tell all their friends about it. If you objectify women as toys for pleasure, get off the floor - you're to be pitied, as you have no concept of relational fulfillment or what love means. 

What do they say in the classic wedding vows – “…to provide and protect, to honor and to cherish.”  And that is precisely what a man does in dance – takes responsibility, and leads with integrity. He provides and protects, loves and cherishes. That’s selflessness, my friends – caring for another above yourself, whether it be in life or in dance. There are few things more attractive to a woman than a guy like that. And that’s exactly what dance forces – no, enables – you to be…a man.

Like this guy.

The Cricket Apocalypse

As I began my nightly shower a few days ago, something dark skittered across my peripherals. Without my glasses I couldn't tell what the thing was, so my brain froze and ran through the options: kill it, or die naked in the shower. I took the appropriate karate stance, then managed to squint a bit harder and saw my foe for what it was: a large cricket.

More precisely: a camel cricket, for you entomologists out there.

Immediate danger past, I splashed water at the thing in an attempt to wash it down the drain. Only it was actually too big to fit down the drain, so the two of us just ended up wet and at opposite ends of the shower, glaring at each other.

I couldn't leave and cede my territory; what man runs away from a bug? So I continued with the shower, keeping a wary eye on Jiminy; he just sat there, wet and probably half-drowned. I laughed at myself: what a first-world impasse this is - where else would killing a bug be an issue because you don't want to touch it or step out of your hot shower? And what a miserable hell for the cricket - surrounded by rising water, impassable walls, and a giant two hundred times its size.

Then I thought - I, too, am like this cricket. Do I not also jump into life full of ideals and hopes, yet without forethought and preparation? And have I not found myself stuck in many a metaphorical prison, trapped by my own choices and unable to do anything but beg for mercy as the waters of time rise? Or perhaps the cricket meant to jump in, finding his small brain pleasantly stimulated by the moisture in the bathtub. And I, too, often find myself stumbling meekly after the wafting promises of pleasure, only by grace kept from falling  where I can't clamber out.

I'm sorry, Dave. The bugs won't let you do that.

But crickets don't have a brain, so that paragraph is moot. Yet I hear some bugs do - like cockroaches - which might justify the previous paragraph if a roach was in the shower. What if a cockroach could muster thought? More importantly - what if cockroaches became aware of their potential to create panic? It'd be like the scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey when Dave realizes that HAL is not only self-aware but malevolent. Except it'd be with insects instead of computers - which is only worse. Insects not only have that robot "coldness" but also possess a natural reproductive system, with an innate creepiness as an added bonus.

Then I started thinking: what if the insect world suddenly became self-aware? My guess is that the bugs' minds would process it all quite predictably:

1. Wonder: wow, I'm a bug!
2. Deep thought: why am I a bug?
3. Depression: I'm...a bug...
4. Observation: There are other bugs.
5. Panic: THE OTHER BUGS ARE BIGGER

And as so many bugs possess incredible physical and chemical weaponry, it'd be a textbook case of Darwinistic elimination. Perhaps the smartest might get the concept of strength in numbers and organize others into bands, prompting an arms race of organization and cooperation. Soon, insect nations would rise, all with different species and views on morality. My bet is that human relations would be the hot-button issue of the bug world. Some insects would argue for isolation, others would push for co-existence and equal rights, but eventually they'd all cave in to demands for war.

The scary thing is - they'd win. Every self-respecting man knows where he'll go in a zombie apocalypse - a cave, a prison, the CDC, etc. But if bugs tried to take over? They can dig, swim, fly; there's nowhere we could run. You're in a steel bunker? There are insects that eat metal. You decide to take the offensive and become an insecticide-shooting Rambo? Due to their short life cycle, insects can and will adapt to all forms of insecticide. And then they'll strike back - just take ants. They'd become what they already are: perfect, selfless soldiers. Bullet ants alone are known for their ability to give the most painful insect stings on earth.

Zombies? They're just impractical, slow slabs of meat with no sense of self-preservation - the insect apocalypse is what we should be worried about. And now that I think of it, it's even predicted in the Bible:

"...then from the smoke came locusts on the earth, and they were given power like the power of scorpions of the earth...they were allowed to torment [mankind] for five months, but not to kill them, and their torment was like the torment of a scorpion when it stings someone. And in those days people will seek death and will not find it. They will long to die, but death will flee from them."

                   - Revelation 9:3-6, emphasis added (ESV).

Google's answer for "Revelation locust."

An insect apocalypse so bad that the entire world will beg for the sweet mercy of death? I would run to NASA right now and beg them to start funding space exploration again, if I wasn't sure insects could figure out a way to populate other planets. Oh wait, they already have.

Back in the shower. With all this running through my mind, I decided to give my cricket friend a chance. He could be the next bug Gandhi, for crying out loud! I couldn't deprive the insect kingdom of that. So I decided to give him a choice - to somehow provide the bug with a choice between life and death, that I might either be a stepping stone to its enlightened existence or kill it with a clear conscience. But how? How might I give this bug free choice? I was envious of him now, crouching in the corner of the bathtub - completely ignorant of both the mental exercise and moral dilemma his existence created.

So I grabbed a few squares of toilet paper, and tentatively extended them towards the cricket. Instantly, he gripped the edge of the paper with a voracity rarely seen in a starving panther. I had extended life to him, and he clung to it. But that's hardly a choice - I'd only given him the possibility of life, not death. So I stood and suspended him above the gaping maw of the toilet. Now, the scenario was complete: climb up, choose life. Let go, choose death.

But nothing happened. He just dangled there, clutching the toilet paper to his quivering breast, neither climbing nor letting go. I glanced discreetly around the room and...shook the toilet paper. But he clung. I shook harder, and still he hung on. My mind began to hurt from analyzing the metaphorical implications. My shoulder hurt from holding my arm out there for so long. But choice, life, the pursuit of one's own happiness - what have we become if we deprive others of these innate rights?

I dropped him in. It was a huge cricket, what did you expect me to do?

This is one of the more inane writings. STD Gun and Reverse Cookie are two other posts like that on this blog, and are both personal favorites.