Gender Holes

I lean forward in my seat, set my elbows on the table, and look at the man across from me. Fascinated with the gender roles and their impact on my life, I have finally come to the point of true learning - questions. "But Steve, if this is all true, where…what is the defining source of gender roles?" He broke into the broadest smile, then let his answer just hang over the table: "societal norms." Like a deep-sea diver's first breath at the surface, the words leave me both relieved and bewildered.

The past year has shifted my views on gender roles and relationships. Or perhaps there's a better way to summarize - that what was once ignorantly static is now excitedly dynamic. I know of few better changes to make in life.

It started with a girl. And doesn't it always? Stuck together in a year-long service program, we were practically destined to frustrate each other. This girl was (and is) a strong initiator, planner, and achiever, someone who is incredibly gifted at serving others. Along those lines, she detested when anyone would serve her in turn. In contrast, everything in my past trained me to serve women wherever possible. It was my job - no, assumption - that I should hold doors, carry heavy boxes, pay for dates, walk closest to the street, drive, and so on. We all have our sensitivities - mine happens to be women who stress themselves out trying to do and control everything. 

 You can imagine our assumption-based spats, which left both of us frustrated and angry.  Fortunately, we not only learned to understand and appreciate our differences but grew as friends through the process. And while I can’t speak for her, I do know that our conflict forced me to examine my own motives. Why do I hold doors or carry things – is it just to impress girls? Where do all of these unspoken standards in my head come from? What's the background for them in culture as a whole?  

That beginning set the stage for a slew of deep conversations with friends, challenging mentors, and surprising articles.