Faking It

Last week a friend and I were talking about this post, musing about life, honest struggle, etc. A few days later, the friend sent this piece to me. I read it and immediately  asked if I could share it on the blog. Permission was granted - anonymously - so here we are, the first guest post!

I don't really know where to start when it comes to sledge hammering heart walls that have been built up for years, but I'm betting prayer (knees to the ground crying out kind of prayer) is a great place to start. Beyond that I think the next step is action. I often expect my prayers to magically fix everything while I sit around and watch as if I'm not an active participant in change. That's a problem. I need to pray and act. Being idle isn't going to help. Prayer and action. Prayer and intentional reconciliation. Prayer and conversation. It's time to let go of the fear of being known. 

If I'm being honest, I can't tell the difference between real and fake in my life anymore. It's painful - to be "real". To give others the power to break you, so as a result I have become complacent. Living my life on the surface and creating relationships of convenience instead of depth. I choose safe, comfortable, and easy instead of different and potentially painful - and yet I expect to grow?

Desynchronized

This another step in the real and raw walk that is my Christianity. If Haiti was about losing control and this post on losing doubt, this is...losing my mind. There are three parts, each separated by the date it was written - read all three before asking questions.

"Do not be deceived, God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please the flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction. Whoever sows to please the spirit, from the spirit will reap eternal life." - Gal. 6:7-8

9/22/12
In living I stand at an impasse. My mind and soul have thoroughly steeped in proofs and experiences of Christianity. I've attended countless classes and retreats then examined and tried to live other worldviews.  Nothing else makes sense logically. Emotionally, everything else leaves me narcissistic and wretched or empty and hopeless. I see the Christian ideal, how it might be - fulfilling my purpose in relationship with God - and it's beautiful. Like I wrote before, I've seen, I've felt, I've tasted; I took a jump of faith, found solid rock on the other side. Revolutionary, yet nothing new for far too many. I think this entry will shake that a bit.

Like everyone, I've failed so much over the past years; so many times I've hit the snooze button through devos, so many times I did something else instead of spend time with God. So many times I've chosen games or girls, or who knows what else. And of course, I soon would find myself sorry and guilty. I'd get some time with God, and everything would be alright again. Until I messed up, then went back, and messed up, repeat ad nausem. But something's not working any more.