I don't really know where to start when it comes to sledge hammering heart walls that have been built up for years, but I'm betting prayer (knees to the ground crying out kind of prayer) is a great place to start. Beyond that I think the next step is action. I often expect my prayers to magically fix everything while I sit around and watch as if I'm not an active participant in change. That's a problem. I need to pray and act. Being idle isn't going to help. Prayer and action. Prayer and intentional reconciliation. Prayer and conversation. It's time to let go of the fear of being known.
If I'm being honest,
I can't tell the difference between real and fake in my life anymore. It's
painful - to be "real". To give others the power to break you, so as
a result I have become complacent. Living my life on the surface and creating relationships
of convenience instead of depth. I choose safe, comfortable, and easy instead
of different and potentially painful - and yet I expect to grow?
I let the reactions
of others dictate my mood.
I let the emotions
of others determine my worth.
I let the words of
others become the truth in my life.
I like to think that I don't care. That I'm over it. That only sticks and stones break my bones and the words never hurt me. That is the biggest playground lie ever told. If I'm being honest, I'd take the sticks and stones over the words any day.
The devil is one
clever asshole. He has perfected the art of making me feel alone, unworthy, and
inadequate. But worst of all - I've fallen for it. I've let the world be the
sole dictator of my happiness.
Here I am in a
program centered around Jesus. The one person I should be finding happiness in.
Joy. Fulfillment. Sincerity. Why is it so easy for me to believe the devil and
so hard for me to believe the Lord? Is it possible that I have become so numb,
so distant from real truth, so dependent on affirmations from the world that I
have lost the ability to be content in Christ?
I think it is. I
think I have chosen the world over the Lord and in that, I have perfected the
art of faking it. I have memorized the "right" answers. I have become
so deeply disillusioned by the way this world works and the places this world tells
us to find happiness and worth that I have lost sight of what it means to be
real in my faith, life and relationships.
I have bottled up
the pain, hurt, harsh words, misunderstandings, surface level friendships and
inability to connect. Instead of it blowing up, I've let it fester and it's
tearing me apart. It's created a hollowness that I had lost all motivation to
fill. A contentment with mediocre that had power over me. I have literally
allowed the world to hurt me into submission.
If you had asked me
two, maybe three months ago I probably would have told you I was ok. Living
life. Seeking God. Etc, etc. Now? Now I'm ready to call my own BS. Now I want
to run around with a sledge hammer bashing down the walls of lies I've built
around my guarded heart. I remember a version of me that used pain as a way of
reaching out. That used hurt or conflict as a way of connecting with others.
Where did that person go? When did I become someone content with passivity and
inaction? When did I become ok with fractured relationships? When did I start
saying "why bother" instead of saying "how can I fix this and
grow from it"? When did I make the decision to start living for myself and
to stop loving and forgiving like Christ?
We're
made in the image of God, relational to the core, to the very essence of our
being as humans and I've let evil deprive me of what it means to be in real
relationships. "Easier said than done" is a copout - one that I
rely on - but a copout nonetheless. So here's to doing. Praying, reconciling,
confessing, challenging, forgiving, and growing. Here's to wielding my new
sledge hammer with grace, peace and most of all, love.