No Fair

Saturday morning, 7:33 AM, and my bloodshot eyes crack open at an explosion of sound near my door. After a long week, this my only morning to sleep in, yet the noise doesn't...stop. Experience in this host family of five children taught me to wear earplugs to bed, yet this cacophony still pierces my combination of pillows, plugs, and stubbornness. So I fall out of bed, pull myself upright on the dresser, and throw some workout shorts on. I am ready to murder the noise culprit. Door thrown open, and I see the two youngest boys at each other's throats on the floor. I try to ask "what's wrong" but it comes out more like "wzzz rnnng", so the kids ignore me. Ugh. My mind can't even think coherently, let alone verbally express my frustration at the selfishness of these little punks. They have a whole house to fight in, and they pick the one spot right in front of my door. Finally the truth comes out: "he stole my toy!" "No I didn't, it's mine anyways!" "No, not fair!" Fact: parents have to negotiate approximately 243 impromptu rulings on sibling justice every day. God bless 'em. 

So out of nowhere, the oldest brother swoops in. He snatches the toy, declares a smirking "...you have to share", and runs away. The younger brothers - understandably - join together in a chorus of "no FAAAAIR!" 

This is precisely the face the younger brothers made.

It's moments like these where kids make you simultaneously facepalm and belly laugh.

Afterwards, the event made me think. Getting your toy ripped away from you is indeed "no fair." But where do kids learn this concept? Why do they use it? In my experience with children, that instant appeal to universal justice happens constantly. But is it innate, or maybe learned from family and friends? I had great discussions with many parents about this, and all told great stories of their children's (often warped) sense of fairness. 

But arguably, it's not only kids that are preoccupied with fairness - we are, too. World news is constantly full of battles over this concept. As of this writing, London is in complete gridlock because of taxi drivers protesting Uber, a taxi app. And this is nothing new; whether with good or bad outcomes, fairness is usually a constant pursuit of our race. Affirmative Action, Title 9, gay marriage - no matter what you think of them, proponents of these movements all have the same intention: making things fair. 

The obvious issue: people often have clashing definitions of fairness. Dictionary.com makes it simple enough: "free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice." But what that means in politics, in philosophy, life...is very sticky. However there are some cases where "fair" is just blatantly misused to mean "same", not "just", where clarity is more easily found. 

My brain goes to economics. In my opinion, some economic ideas around boil down to that same kids' cry: "no faaaair!" For example, a fact: the world's three richest businessmen together own more money than the 600 million poorest people on the planet (source). There are a myriad of ways to interpret that, but the typical response points at the businessmen and says "because you have, it's your fault that they have not." While I completely agree that poverty is one of the largest issues in the world today, arbitrarily taking from the haves and giving to the have nots is an absolutely terrible idea. Historically, not only is it a bad solution, it's an even worse problem. Foreign aid, for example, almost always creates dependency, breeds corruption, and stifles growth. Countries have actually pleaded with the US to not send aid, such as Indonesia after the tsunami in December 2004. Or when the earthquake in 2010 hit Haiti, disaster relief money flooded out of the US...yet only a fraction of the money made it to Haiti, and the money that did barely helped anything. 

This is a fundamental misunderstanding of human nature. Our typical default is selfishness and laziness. Arguably, it's a lot easier to text $10 to Haiti than to actually sacrifice part of your day to care for a homeless person in your city. And you can't throw food at us and expect us to become farmers. To use the old adage: give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him to fish, feed him for a lifetime. One method creates dependency, the other independence. Duh. Yet key point to keep in mind, as I wrote before, is that we are all equal in value, but not the same. And we only deserve that which derives from our value as human beings. We deserve those "inalienable rights" in freedoms and opportunity. But what we have in skills, talents, and possessions...these have nothing to do with our value. Therefore just because others have more of these...in no way means you should have too. Thought processes like this are precisely what's behind that earlier income inequality statistic. Facts phrased like that are designed to make you indignant, set you off on a crusade, and react - but - not to think. And thinking is what I want to do here.

You can't have candy because, uh, income inequality. Stop crying.

Of course, as with anything of depth, thinking just led me to questions. Many came from this fascinating TED talk on learning. Dr. Sugata Mitra tells of how with basic computer access, kids in the Indian slums were actually able to teach themselves English, computer science, and basic genetics. Fascinating. How does this apply to my teaching? How do I open doors for individuality and not shove my kids into tired equality? How do I provide opportunities for true learning, and not hand-hold them in that most ineffective pedagogy - prescriptivism? How do I engender self-discovery and other-discovery and world-discovery? How do we raise the next generation to be responsibility-taking and initiative-driving adults in a culture obsessed with sameness and blame-shifting?

I want to be a good dad. Just as an idea, the responsibility of parenting periodically haunts me, and my response to that is the process you're reading through now. I have to believe that this process of asking questions is critical. However, these are only ideas, and I was searching for something hard, something to write down and stick in a "open when you're a father" folder; practical applications.

I came up with two.

1. Allowance. I remember the Saturdays where I'd saunter up to Dad like a mafia hitman collecting on overdue debts, because it was allowance day and that dude owed me. Then I see children now and instinctively say dang, we are all such brats.  My childhood was incredible and such a blessing, yet I can't deny that in it arose a sense of...deservedness. If I want, I get, and when you get it, you care for it until the next shiny thing comes along. There is a motivated appreciation when you earn something for yourself - you treasure it, appreciate it, and steward it far better. Of course, this daddy will give his kids money when they ask (sometimes). But I refuse to feed this obese mentality of entitlement everywhere. And I believe one of the worst things I could teach my kids is that the world owes them something - that if they do nothing they get everything in return.

Instead, I want to infuse my children with an entrepreneurial spirit - one of initiative-taking, problem-solving, and experimentation. If they want to go to the movies, Dad would love to help them get there - like brainstorming ways to get paid doing things around the house. Or if they want to go on a ski trip, help them start a lawn-mowing business, play guitar on the street corner, write letters for support, anything. 

2. Christmas. The older I get, the more the typical focus of this holiday bothers me. Culture, media, family - all of it encourages a definite "get" mentality in kids. This brings to mind a certain article, where a journalist photographed kids around the world with their most prized possessions. Yet I can't count the number of times this past year I've watched kids scream because they didn't get what they want right when they wanted it (while boxes of toys go unused in the basement). To clarify - there's nothing wrong with having lots of toys - just like there's nothing wrong with having lots of money - but there's often a correlation to a ridiculous entitlement mentality. 

Quote of the day: "I wanted a thigh gap for Christmas and instead I got bOOKS."

So instead of "get", let's focus on "give". Towards that, here's a potential Christmas rule: one present from each person, and they must be handmade, not purchased. This refocuses the mindset of "just get Christmas shopping over and done" to a thoughtful analysis of what family members need and like, and then your particular skillset can meet one of those needs or likes. Of course parents should (must) give gifts to their children - but how can we do that and engender humble appreciation? 

At the very least, Christmas should revolve around togetherness and family, not on morning presents. Yes, I will do everything in my power to have my kids excitedly staying up late on Christmas Eve. But change the focus to give, not receive. Birthdays are for getting, not Christmas.

I submit that perspective is key. Familiarity with plenty is killing us in the first world; I feel it poisoning my subconscious every day. So perhaps I'll take my kids on mission trips for Christmas vacation, where we set a tradition of serving and giving, in turn receiving far greater gifts than new toys. Like, gratitude, humility, and a really good tan in the middle of winter.

In closing, we're not talking about redefining fairness; we're talking about relearning what it means. And I will never teach the same fairness culture does. Just because one person has something does not mean you deserve to have it too. We deserve nothing but the freedom and opportunity to prove ourselves. Teach uniqueness, and emphasize both its utility and beauty. As the kids used the phrase and as we often do, "no fair" itself is not fair. Because fairness, justice, and even good economic policy isn't about getting so wrapped up in yourself that you envy others at their expense. You see, "No fair" doesn't mean "why not me?"

Used rightly, "no fair" means "why not them?" 

And that's something worth passing on to the next generation...otherness.

There are many questions both written and implied through this post. But, I have to confess, my conscience keeps plaguing me with an uncomfortable answer. And that is...to model this. To live that openness, initiative, and responsibility myself. Then to cement those attributes in my daily life so that they might be there in my future. God help me.

Back to the kids at 7:33 AM. Before he could run away, I snatched up the thieving older brother, dangled him by his feet, and tickled him until he gave up the toy. Then, turning to the youngest two, I held out the toy to them. "Alright, here's the deal: you get it for five minutes, then you get it for the next five. Here's a timer. Go." I started the timer and began to walk back to my room. Of course, before I'd taken two steps the kids started to fight again, yelling even louder than before.

That did it. I spun turned around, snatched the toy, and - back turned to their gaping mouths - marched back into my room. Then I locked the door, jammed the earplugs back in, and smiled myself to sleep. Fair? Nope. Just? Maybe not. But it felt great.