Desynchronized

This another step in the real and raw walk that is my Christianity. If Haiti was about losing control and this post on losing doubt, this is...losing my mind. There are three parts, each separated by the date it was written - read all three before asking questions.

"Do not be deceived, God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please the flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction. Whoever sows to please the spirit, from the spirit will reap eternal life." - Gal. 6:7-8

9/22/12
In living I stand at an impasse. My mind and soul have thoroughly steeped in proofs and experiences of Christianity. I've attended countless classes and retreats then examined and tried to live other worldviews.  Nothing else makes sense logically. Emotionally, everything else leaves me narcissistic and wretched or empty and hopeless. I see the Christian ideal, how it might be - fulfilling my purpose in relationship with God - and it's beautiful. Like I wrote before, I've seen, I've felt, I've tasted; I took a jump of faith, found solid rock on the other side. Revolutionary, yet nothing new for far too many. I think this entry will shake that a bit.

Like everyone, I've failed so much over the past years; so many times I've hit the snooze button through devos, so many times I did something else instead of spend time with God. So many times I've chosen games or girls, or who knows what else. And of course, I soon would find myself sorry and guilty. I'd get some time with God, and everything would be alright again. Until I messed up, then went back, and messed up, repeat ad nausem. But something's not working any more.

Nuzlocke Challenge

Sometime during my junior year of high school there was a momentous shift in my psyche. There's a moment like that for everyone - the realization of freedom when you hold your first driver's license, or the feeling of pride and responsibility at your first job. But my moment of epiphanic maturity was more unique - it was when I realized that I wanted to hang out with girls more than I wanted to play videogames. 

During freshman year of high school, kids quickly and justifiably came to call me "gameboy", as the machine was my only real friend. Even throughout middle school, my mother and I battled over the game system in a sort of nuclear arms race. I'd pretend like I was doing "homework", and she'd ground me and craftily hide the gameboy in increasingly obscure places. I in turn spared no effort in scouring the house and stealing it back - repeat ad nausem.

This was the weapon with which I saved worlds. And escaped from mine.

Sad? Perhaps. But honestly that impulse hasn't changed; it's just disguised and buried underneath layers of experience that tend to provide a fuller experience of life - like music, nature, or relationships. But the nerd inside hardly dormant - it only bides its time, awaits moments of weakness, and jumps out in random conversations. It's part of who I am, and - in case you can't tell - I relish that. While there have been drawbacks, videogames were a stepping-stone to much of the good in my life today. But that's a different story entirely, and is just a lame transition to the fact that I want to talk about Pokemon.

Solid relationship advice.