Midnight Twilight

Written 11/20/2009.

Last night, some friends and I were at the midnight premiere of New Moon. Jealous? Incredulous? Probably not. Driving back, a few of us noted (or hoped) that the movie might be a satire of the series. That, or the people filming this thing were as bewildered as anyone.

Producer: Alright, I got good news and bad news. The good - I finally read the book. The bad - we can't make a movie out of it. It's...shallow. It's depressing. Bella spends half of it staring at a wall. Then, wolves. Forget that there isn't plot development until the end, everything in-between is like author's private sexual fantasy.

Director: Throw in a bunch of hot guys in there and women will watch it. Lots of attractive, shirtless guys. And make sure the camera spends extra long ogling their bodies.

Producer: That's ridiculous. You mean no matter how slow the movie is or how blatantly we manipulate female emotions, as long we show enough shirtless men, they won't realize the complete lack of substance in the movie? ...Isn't that the same idea behind porn, just switching out girls for guys?

Director: Pretty much. Trust me, it'll work.

Producer: Work to the point of making millions and having the women foaming at the mouth in anticipation of the next movie, one that is certainly even more deliberately manipulative and pitiful? 

Director: Yep.

Producer: Even in light of the fact that it'll run over two hours, feel like ten, and force viewers to feel amazingly gypped at its end?

Director: Girls today are desperate. 
Producer: ...


Director: Hey it's not like anyone today knows what a real man is. And just in case anyone catches on to the porn thing, we'll distract them with inane amounts of awkwardly long scenes of Bella and Edward/Jacob staring at each other to constitute romantic intimacy.

Producer: Will the two say anything?

Director: Yeah, but it won't make any sense, so no one will remember it. As long as faces are awkwardly close and they seem like they're talking about deep stuff, you don't need actual emotion. The idea is just to repeat this stereotypical image of supposed love until it's believable.

Producer: Won't people be creeped out by Edward staring at everything? Namely at Bella?

Director: If they ask, we'll just tell fans that he's trying not to…eat her.

     
[silence]

Producer: …right. So moving on to the dysfunction and emotional abuse. Doesn't Edward pledge undying love to Bella, deny it the next day, then later tell her he'd lied again? And didn't he watch her sleep for like three months before they dated? Why would anyone want this guy? What is wrong with Bella, or women as a whole for that matter?

Director: Girls think Robert Pattinson is hot. That is all.

Producer: You mean if someone's attractive enough, they can be completely immature, selfish, an obvious relational black hole and still be swooned over?

Director: …did you ever go to high school?

Producer: Actually, I was homeschooled. Anyways, aren't there like…inconsistencies between the book and the movie? Like Jacob - wasn't he supposed to grow…to like 6' 6''?

Director: It's Taylor Lautner. Attractive men indiscriminately fall under the "Tall" category.

[Writer walks in]

Writer: Hey, here's the script. I had the brilliant idea of making Bella narrate these undelivered emails so the audience won't fall asleep as we watch her mope for half the movie. 

Director: That is absolutely moronic. No one will pay to listen to a girl read post-breakup emails for half an hour; find a workaround. Add flashbacks or abs or something.

[Writer leaves]

Producer: Alright, so what about Bella's obvious emotional abuse of Jacob? He spends all this time alone with her, actually loving her throughout, placing Bella above his own life, family, and even future, only to discover that she's led him on like a matador with a bull as she deserts him at the slightest word of Edward. And you can't just say "Edward's hot", because both Edward and Jacob are attractive. How do you explain that to the fans?

Director: …ah...hmm…

Producer: Terrific. So we're pretty much betting $50 million on the assumption that our target audience (of girls) isn't smart enough to actually think about what they're watching. Since when do women not over-think things?
Director: Hey, I don't know. It's not like there are actually women with standards anymore. 
Producer: ...good point. 
Director: And the book sold great. Tell the writer to copy a few more lines from it. The book sold millions; with all this crazy junk inside, it must at least be well-written, right?

If only we knew. But forget the execution; New Moon got me mad. It is disgusting. Afterwards I wanted something to fight, for a brother to wrassle, or for a tribe of orcs to suddenly rush down the hallway, bellowing foreign expletives and charging my lone self with sword in hand. Bluntly, the equivalent of Twilight for guys is a porno. And that summarizes Twilight as a whole  - emotional pornography. I once heard this defined as "idolatry of a perversion of reality". I like that explanation. Forget the shoddy cinematography, ignore the incoherent plot. New Moon deliberately ensnares, poisons, and abuses the core, the complexity, and the beautiful fragility of femininity.

Masculinity died long ago, and dies again with each divorce, with every click through a porn site. Something in me refuses to believe that femininity is lost as well. Did this idea spawn from personal experience, or disillusionment and cowardly hope? God knows. Disregarding my own frailty, one fact remains. Men cannot stand idly by while so many girls are emotionally captured and poisoned by this monster. I certainly won't. 

Overdramatic? Yep. Exaggerated? Sure. True? Yes. Can and will Christ remedy and cure the aforementioned one day? Yes, and I can't wait for it. But what will I do about it now? Or better yet - what can I do? Stand on street corners, argue girls down, picket movie theaters? No, that just exhibits the same of bestial and passive-aggressive masculinity in the movie.  

I think I'll try to pray. For culture and for families - the recovery of lost standards and the restoration of relationships.  Then I'll try to walk like I talk. I will try to study and learn more about what true masculinity is, then live it out in my own life. I will try to listen to the girls who rave about the latest emotional trash (because there'll be another book series soon), and get them thinking about their understanding of relationships. I will try to pursue women with clarity, communication, and confidence. I will try to foster a relationship of such love and respect with my wife that our kids will be instilled with the highest standards from our example.

Oh. I'll try to write about it, too.  

PS: found this the other day. Thought it was hilarious, in a sad way.