I don't get the cross.
"I get so clumsy, I get so foolish, I get so stupid sometimes, then I feel so useless. But you're saying you love me, and you still wanna hold me, that you wanna be near me, that you're making me holy...still making me holy".
Yes we all know the
Sunday School answer. God loves us just that much to forgive us every time we
sin. Thank you so much.
You know what? Forget our all-knowing mind for a second, and answer with your heart. How long must this go on? How long must I grieve the heart of God? Why does He redeem us? Relational pain is a horrible hell, but could you imagine going through it almost continually, every day, just because you love so many people that much? This is crazy. There are so many ways to explain "Oh, how He loves us"…but why. Why does God love us? Why does he forgive? Why did he die and go through hell for us? Why did he create humanity in the first place? "For His glory". Well, crap. Right there we cross over into the deepest part of theology - the mind of God - and reach the end of human understanding. Sure, God is the only being in the universe that can justifiably glorify Himself, so what else would be more glorifying than an image of Himself?
Forget the mental
gymnastics. I've heard them all my life. I'm not looking for rational answers,
and I don't think you are either. Reason can impact the heart, but not change it.
From My Utmost for His Highest:
"It does not matter who or what we are, there is absolute reinstatement into God by the death of Jesus Christ and by no other way, not because Jesus Christ pleads, but because He died. It is not earned, but accepted."
I don't get that. I live life by doing, by practicing and doing better and
getting my work's due. And when I just mess up all the time, I ruin the one
thing in my life that could save me. Continuing from Utmost:
"All the
pleading which deliberately refuses to recognize the Cross is of no avail; it
is battering at another door than the one which Jesus has opened."
But what does that mean? What does "recognizing the
Cross" look like? What's the ten-step, ten-minute plan to overnight Cross
recognition? I've heard the story of the cross so many times, but has my heart
ever truly grasped the depth of the Atonement?
I think this just deserves incredulity. An passionate kind of
disbelief that fuels our every action - a true realization of the power of the
Cross. The insanity of the Atonement. And to let that grind our sense of
self-ownership and any speck of pride into nothing. We are not our own, never
were our own, never will be our own. It's never been and never will be about us, and nothing we ever do can change
the horrible blackness in our souls. I found something awesome on this.
"I think it means we serve a God who loves redemption more than we can possibly imagine. We may feel disqualified for his mercy. We may feel too dirty for his grace. We may feel only a series of white knuckle works will open back up his gates. But, that’s not what his love letter says. We are not shown a steady parade of heroes who became even more heroic in the hands of God. We are shown a parade of failures who found forgiveness. Losers who found love. Hopeless who found hope."
- Jon Acuff
If nothing else, in
realizing just what a hopeless loser I am apart from God, I've learned a bit of
how prayer is such a fantastic answer to everything. So that's what I
did. I prayed. God, I'm an idiot, I don't get this. Can you at least help pry
open my mind to this? Sanctify my broken heart and heal my blind eyes to see
your truth?
That very night I'd
messed up again. The next morning walking to class, I felt myself sheepishly
standing before God, yet again trying to crawl towards him; whimpering a
pathetic "I'm…sorry" with all the above questions ransacking my mind.
Not again, how can I go back again, what can I do this time? As the hopelessness
began to creep over me, a sentence was distinctly heard:
"You've already
been forgiven".
...and there was no
question about it.