STD Gun

Written March 31, 2009.

So awhile ago, my thoughts were drifting. And as it usually does, my brain settled on a rather peculiar subject. See, a friend of mine had been studying up on the more awkward elements of the human anatomy for class, and I was reading along as well. Of course, the first thing my eyes fell on had to do with the female anatomy, namely the uh…whatever the operation is that's the girl version of a vasectomy.  The book noted how women still produce eggs after the operation, then went on to other subjects. 

I was like "Hey! What happens to those egg things? Do they just travel on their merry way and just cluster up at the end there, and like create a huge cyst or something? That's…not cool!". So I went online and researched this, as I do with pretty much all life questions (like "how to talk to girls"…but that's a different story). So I got my answer rather quickly, and it's honestly pretty sweet - see, once the eggs reach the end of their path or whatever, they do indeed stop - but then the body absorbs them. The eggs become part of the body, and morph into other cells. How cool is that? I researched a bit farther, and found that the same thing happens with guys (just not with eggs, obviously).

So today I was thinking again. What if  we could reverse the process? As in, change normal cells into reproductive cells.  And even more interesting - what if it was a superpower? You could just touch somebody and impregnate them. After a few (or more) accidental babies, the government would lock the person up for testing. Take it a step farther - what if they managed to extract the genetic quirk that allowed for this superpower…and managed to put it inside a gun? It'd be like instant...well, rape. Random little kids in third world countries would just stab you with a needle and you'd be with child. What would happen if guys got stabbed, then? What happens if a zygote forms in a male body? And of course, some totalitarian dictator  would start infecting all the guns with STDs. Our soldiers would no longer get blown to bits - it'd just be like "BAM - you have an STD!" Then the UN would ban STD guns and...nothing would happen, because it's the UN. But eventually the guns would be limited to the underworld. I can just picture some future mob boss, surrounded by lackeys, cigar in mouth, leaning against a wall in some dark room. 

"Still won't talk, Johnny?" the boss smirked. The sole source of light in the room was a dim lamp, swinging tiredly side to side from the train lumbering by overhead. Slowly, slowly, he raised the weapon into the light. "…looks like we'll need to use Bessie to loosen those lips". The instant the prisoner saw the gun, he screamed, loud enough to pierce through the dirty rags in his mouth, loud enough to shake the confidence of all standing nearby. Perhaps realizing the severity of his intention for the first time, the boss looked at the gun - his hand was shaking like a boy on a first date. He slammed the hand onto the table. "NO!" he screamed, and took a stronger grip. "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO THOSE WHO GO AGAINST THE FAMILY!" 

He pulled the trigger.