How to Trick Men into Dancing With You

While written about dancing, this article applies to relationships as a whole. Taken from my simplydance.us blog, written May 5th, 2011.

There aren't enough real men in the world, no news there. Just take the dance clubs — the few guys brave enough to go are either dancing with someone else, obsessively checking basketball scores on their smartphone, or gay. I apologize on behalf of my sex — if guys would quit leading girls on, say what they think and man up, things would be better. But that’s another topic, and we’re not here to whine about other people’s problems. Instead, with a little bit of male psychology, we’re going to get those guys lining up to dance with you.

1. Be Nice

This really can’t be said enough, whether in dance or life. Now I’ll assume you're a decently nice person, so I’ll clarify it further – be consciously and purposefully nice throughout the night. Why? Well…

Male Psychology Fact #1: All men have a deep-seated fear of failure and inadequacy.

You need to realize something about us. When you’re dancing with a guy…he’s scared of you, scared and constantly trying to gauge your opinion of him. We’re worried that we won’t be good enough leaders, that we’ll do something wrong, that you’ll just walk away and leave us in our failure. I’ve been dancing for years, yet still have to shove thoughts like that down (particularly with new girls). The comparison never stops – if other guys are there, we assume they’re better; in private settings, we unconsciously compare ourselves to a vague ideal of the perfect lead, the perfect dancer, and the perfect man. This impulse – that tendency towards assumption of failure – runs deep in our XY chromosome. But hey, there’s no news here – everyone needs help, right?

You can single-handedly remedy this when you’re with the guy. It’s easy – smile. Most girls mistakenly think they already do; you must be aware of your concentrating expression. I can't stress this one enough. So many times I’m genuinely surprised when a girl has thanked me after a dance; from her expression I thought I’d completely ruined her night. Use a mirror; some naturally look pleasant, others look remarkably miserable – and the former will have follow-up dates, the latter will not.

Fact: a genuine smile shines a light across the floor, a light almost irresistible to guys. So not only will smiling help you look incredibly attractive, it will draw men to you. And when guys pick up on the fact that there’s a “fun” girl in the room,  she’ll have them lining up.

In short: the guy just wants to be a good leader and for the two of you to have fun. But it’s up to you to communicate any success there — before, during, and after the dance.  Guys usually start dancing because a friend drags them in; they keep dancing depending on what the girls say. As a woman, you have unique and powerful access to his “self-esteem meter;” a few words can wreck his week or inspire him forever (Male Psychology Fact 1.a: We’re actually incredibly sensitive). So smile, relax, laugh, and take a second after to make eye contact and thank him for the dance. Do this right, and you will have effectively hacked the male psyche.

2. Be Unique

You know something that doesn't make sense to guys? That whole female herding thing. If us dudes all went to the bathroom together, you’d question our sexuality. That grouping mentality doesn’t stop with bathrooms, either – girls tend to stand together in any public setting and this terrifies men. Why?

Male Psychology Fact #2: We think like predators,  and you’re the prey.

I recently read something fascinating about this:

“When a predator sees too many targets, it often chases none. Predators are drawn to attack an animal that’s distinctive in some way…[we] found that putting paint on an animal guaranteed it would always be attacked next. That was the power of difference (source).”

The application: stand in a group, be invisible. Stand out, be noticed. Guys will bypass dozens of girls just to get to the one standing slightly to the side. Of course, don’t go to clubs alone – just don’t herd (as opposed to standing near some friends). And today girls can ask guys to dance as well -  more on that at the end. Right now we’re talking about how to get men to come to you. So on that note:

First: smile, don’t stare down, and avoid grouping – this makes you approachable. Second, stand out and be confident – this makes you noticeable. And standing out doesn't mean wear a neon green dress (though wearing red will make a positive difference, lots of psychological reasons for that). Sure, dressing like you actually care about yourself is great, but nothing will help you stand out better than raw confidence. 

And confidence does not mean knowledge – it’s how you carry yourself, how comfortable you are in your own skin and how you communicate that fact when you dance. Try to never make the mistake of cutting yourself short by nervously telling the guy “I’m sorry, I'm just awful at this.” The guy will discover your skill level soon enough; you don’t need to tell him. If he’s a pro, he knows how to deal, if he's a beginner he won't notice. And no matter what, he wants the two of you to have fun. So don't ever say that again. 

So be unique. Stand out, enjoy yourself, and dance…because that’s when the real game begins.

3. Be Realistic

Unfortunately, even after you’ve done the above to utter perfection…you still might not get asked to dance. And the reason why isn’t rocket science.

Male Psychology Fact #3: We’re easily intimidated, and it’s not personal.

I’ll tell you straight up: a woman is the most intimidating thing in the world. I’ve performed in front of countless audiences and brushed death a few too many times, yet nothing scares me more than asking a pretty girl to dance. Of course, that’s not an excuse – but you do have to be realistic about it. Sure, it’s horrible sitting and watching all the other girls get asked…but that probably says more about the quality (or quantity) of the men in the room, not about who you are and your value as a human being. Remember that.

To all the over-analyzers out there: when you do get asked…it doesn't mean anything, even if it does. Yeah, dance is hugely romantic, and maybe you've got a slight crush on that last guy. Just whatever you do, don’t waste the night staring at him and hoping he’ll walk over again. It’s the confidence thing again – there isn’t much that turns a guy off faster than a needy girl. If he is both: 1. Worth your time, and 2. Actually interested, he will make contact with you again. Otherwise, forget him. Take it for what it was –  a dance, that’s all; relax, don’t expect anything, and you will be pleasantly surprised.

The key here: know who you are; keep your hopes high and expectations low.

And a final, crucial point: ladies, you can to ask guys to dance. In fact, please do. Am I saying  that men should be passive and never pursue women? Of course not. What I'm getting at is this: I would've quit dancing if some encouraging girls hadn't pulled me out of the corner and onto the floor.   There are many nights even today when I still need someone to pull me out of myself - and I'm not unique here! In this context, initiative isn't some segregated affair: dancing is just two people enjoying a fun activity together, not a committed relationship. If you're pining away for some dude on the floor - grow up and ask him for a dance. And that's not a big deal; asking isn't hunting. All asking does is create space for two people to listen and talk, to act and react. 

So be nice because we need the affirmation. Be unique because personal confidence is intensely alluring. Finally, be realistic and take initiative yourself if you so desire – keeping expectations low and hopes high. Just enjoy who you are, where you are, and have a blast dancing a night away.